HOW TO AVOID WW3 WHEN CONSIDERING FAMILY POLITICS AT YOUR WEDDING?
10 MOST COMMONLY ASKED QUESTIONS
I found Oskar quite close to our wedding date, My only wish is that I found him sooner to help me plan more of the wedding - Lucy & Aresh, April 2022
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We miss chatting to Oskar, he was and is a ray of sunshine ☀️ - Louisa & Bradley, March 2022
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I was dreading the seating plan, Oskar stepped in and spent an afternoon with is till it was done, going over and above as we’d only asked him to do on the day co-ordination. - Katy & Allan, February 2022
💌
He was with us every step of the way, through all the crazy changing restrictions and even a last-minute 'lift and shift' of more than a week! - Donna and Mark, December 2020
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I found Oskar quite close to our wedding date, My only wish is that I found him sooner to help me plan more of the wedding - Lucy & Aresh, April 2022 💌 We miss chatting to Oskar, he was and is a ray of sunshine ☀️ - Louisa & Bradley, March 2022 💌 I was dreading the seating plan, Oskar stepped in and spent an afternoon with is till it was done, going over and above as we’d only asked him to do on the day co-ordination. - Katy & Allan, February 2022 💌 He was with us every step of the way, through all the crazy changing restrictions and even a last-minute 'lift and shift' of more than a week! - Donna and Mark, December 2020 💌
Recently, I have been asked by Claire Muir – Feature Writer at Your Scottish Wedding to answer some of the most commonly asked questions by couples when it comes to managing family politics while wedding planning.
In today’s blog, you’ll learn the best ways to navigate your way around some of the most challenging situations while wedding planning. My recommendations in this blog are solutions based on over 600 weddings I have planned, run and delivered in the past 13+ years.
If you want to find out more, you’ll need to keep on scrolling…
We miss chatting to Oskar, he was and is a ray of sunshine ☀️ - Louisa & Bradley, March 2022
💌
I was dreading the seating plan, Oskar stepped in and spent an afternoon with is till it was done, going over and above as we’d only asked him to do on the day co-ordination. - Katy & Allan, February 2022
💌
He was with us every step of the way, through all the crazy changing restrictions and even a last-minute 'lift and shift' of more than a week! - Donna and Mark, December 2020
💌
I found Oskar quite close to our wedding date, My only wish is that I found him sooner to help me plan more of the wedding - Lucy & Aresh, April 2022
💌
We miss chatting to Oskar, he was and is a ray of sunshine ☀️ - Louisa & Bradley, March 2022 💌 I was dreading the seating plan, Oskar stepped in and spent an afternoon with is till it was done, going over and above as we’d only asked him to do on the day co-ordination. - Katy & Allan, February 2022 💌 He was with us every step of the way, through all the crazy changing restrictions and even a last-minute 'lift and shift' of more than a week! - Donna and Mark, December 2020 💌 I found Oskar quite close to our wedding date, My only wish is that I found him sooner to help me plan more of the wedding - Lucy & Aresh, April 2022 💌
If we haven’t met before - I’m Oskar and I’ve been involved in the wedding industry since 2009!
After 13+ years in the industry, I have run, delivered and planned over 600 weddings in my career and received 5 industry awards for excellence in my work.
Nowadays, I plan weddings in Scotland, the UK, conduct legally-binding Humanist ceremonies, consult and coach wedding businesses internationally and in my spare time, I blog about all things weddings and feature as an industry speaker.
Most recently, I also partner with my husband George behind Edinburgh Wedding Directory - simply because we’re married to the job too! :)
I was dreading the seating plan, Oskar stepped in and spent an afternoon with is till it was done, going over and above as we’d only asked him to do on the day co-ordination. - Katy & Allan, February 2022
💌
He was with us every step of the way, through all the crazy changing restrictions and even a last-minute 'lift and shift' of more than a week! - Donna and Mark, December 2020
💌
I found Oskar quite close to our wedding date, My only wish is that I found him sooner to help me plan more of the wedding - Lucy & Aresh, April 2022
💌
We miss chatting to Oskar, he was and is a ray of sunshine ☀️ - Louisa & Bradley, March 2022
💌
I was dreading the seating plan, Oskar stepped in and spent an afternoon with is till it was done, going over and above as we’d only asked him to do on the day co-ordination. - Katy & Allan, February 2022 💌 He was with us every step of the way, through all the crazy changing restrictions and even a last-minute 'lift and shift' of more than a week! - Donna and Mark, December 2020 💌 I found Oskar quite close to our wedding date, My only wish is that I found him sooner to help me plan more of the wedding - Lucy & Aresh, April 2022 💌 We miss chatting to Oskar, he was and is a ray of sunshine ☀️ - Louisa & Bradley, March 2022 💌
1. Paying for the wedding – how do I navigate this when my parents are apart e.g. I’m not close to my dad but he’s still paying, and my mum isn’t happy about it?
Not delving too much into the psychology of human relationships, some people simply show their appreciation and love through gifts and this could be what’s happening here.
Secondly, weddings aren’t cheap - let’s be honest about it and if Dad wants to make this generous gesture and the couple is willing to accept it and appreciate it, then why not!
My advice here would be not to bicker with Mum, but rather arrange for a heart-to-heart conversation and explain your motivations and reasons. Open up and allow your Mum in on your plan and explain what her support would mean to you, if that doesn’t work, put her in your shoes - how did it make her feel when she planned her wedding and others were pushing ideas, traditions and guilt on her - very quickly you should see the change of tone and all she will care about is that you’re happy and your day is just perfect for you.
He was with us every step of the way, through all the crazy changing restrictions and even a last-minute 'lift and shift' of more than a week! - Donna and Mark, December 2020
💌
I found Oskar quite close to our wedding date, My only wish is that I found him sooner to help me plan more of the wedding - Lucy & Aresh, April 2022
💌
We miss chatting to Oskar, he was and is a ray of sunshine ☀️ - Louisa & Bradley, March 2022
💌
I was dreading the seating plan, Oskar stepped in and spent an afternoon with is till it was done, going over and above as we’d only asked him to do on the day co-ordination. - Katy & Allan, February 2022
💌
He was with us every step of the way, through all the crazy changing restrictions and even a last-minute 'lift and shift' of more than a week! - Donna and Mark, December 2020 💌 I found Oskar quite close to our wedding date, My only wish is that I found him sooner to help me plan more of the wedding - Lucy & Aresh, April 2022 💌 We miss chatting to Oskar, he was and is a ray of sunshine ☀️ - Louisa & Bradley, March 2022 💌 I was dreading the seating plan, Oskar stepped in and spent an afternoon with is till it was done, going over and above as we’d only asked him to do on the day co-ordination. - Katy & Allan, February 2022 💌
2. Stationery – what are the options for wording invitations if it’s a non-traditional family situation to avoid unwanted attendees?
Addressing each and every individual invitation directly to the invited person is one of the options
Arranging a seating plan in a way that conflicting members of the family don’t come into contact unnecessarily, same applies to ceremony seating - this might need to be arranged and sign posted on the allocated seats - ideally for everyone so that you’re not singling anyone out and upsetting them
Using electronic RSVP services which limit responses to one per submission and personalised links is another way of avoiding unwanted attendees or plus ones you can’t have or want to have at your wedding
I found Oskar quite close to our wedding date, My only wish is that I found him sooner to help me plan more of the wedding - Lucy & Aresh, April 2022
💌
We miss chatting to Oskar, he was and is a ray of sunshine ☀️ - Louisa & Bradley, March 2022
💌
I was dreading the seating plan, Oskar stepped in and spent an afternoon with is till it was done, going over and above as we’d only asked him to do on the day co-ordination. - Katy & Allan, February 2022
💌
He was with us every step of the way, through all the crazy changing restrictions and even a last-minute 'lift and shift' of more than a week! - Donna and Mark, December 2020
💌
I found Oskar quite close to our wedding date, My only wish is that I found him sooner to help me plan more of the wedding - Lucy & Aresh, April 2022 💌 We miss chatting to Oskar, he was and is a ray of sunshine ☀️ - Louisa & Bradley, March 2022 💌 I was dreading the seating plan, Oskar stepped in and spent an afternoon with is till it was done, going over and above as we’d only asked him to do on the day co-ordination. - Katy & Allan, February 2022 💌 He was with us every step of the way, through all the crazy changing restrictions and even a last-minute 'lift and shift' of more than a week! - Donna and Mark, December 2020 💌
3. Stepmother issues
I love my mum and my stepmother but they don’t see eye-to-eye. Is it possible to include both in the dress shopping process?
Why not arrange two dress shopping trips and make a day out of it to treat them both - the last thing you want is for their conflict or mood to affect your experience
I have a rather flamboyant stepmother and I’m worried about her upstaging my lovely mum’s outfit on the big day. How can I get around this without offending?
Why don’t you take them shopping and outline what design and colour theme you’re hoping for - the more expectations you can outline to them, the fewer chances of upsetting them or feeling disappointed yourself you will have
If shopping together or on two separate trips is not an option - why don’t you make suggestions to them both or ask them what they have considered wearing and give them your honest feedback of how it ties in the overall design of your special day
The morning prep – I’m closer with my stepmother but feel I should have my mum get ready with me. What’s the answer?
No matter what - you do not want to remember your wedding for the things you haven’t done and feel disappointed or guilty. Why don’t you allocate roles for both Mums that you know they can fulfil together or separately and you know they would feel appreciated and make your experience more enjoyable
We miss chatting to Oskar, he was and is a ray of sunshine ☀️ - Louisa & Bradley, March 2022
💌
I was dreading the seating plan, Oskar stepped in and spent an afternoon with is till it was done, going over and above as we’d only asked him to do on the day co-ordination. - Katy & Allan, February 2022
💌
He was with us every step of the way, through all the crazy changing restrictions and even a last-minute 'lift and shift' of more than a week! - Donna and Mark, December 2020
💌
I found Oskar quite close to our wedding date, My only wish is that I found him sooner to help me plan more of the wedding - Lucy & Aresh, April 2022
💌
We miss chatting to Oskar, he was and is a ray of sunshine ☀️ - Louisa & Bradley, March 2022 💌 I was dreading the seating plan, Oskar stepped in and spent an afternoon with is till it was done, going over and above as we’d only asked him to do on the day co-ordination. - Katy & Allan, February 2022 💌 He was with us every step of the way, through all the crazy changing restrictions and even a last-minute 'lift and shift' of more than a week! - Donna and Mark, December 2020 💌 I found Oskar quite close to our wedding date, My only wish is that I found him sooner to help me plan more of the wedding - Lucy & Aresh, April 2022 💌
4. The ceremony
Who walks in and out with whom?
You don’t need to stick to tradition if you don’t feel like it’s you!
There are so many elements to ceremonies, especially in Scotland where you can get married as and where you want to so that you can involve all or just some of your family members in many symbolic elements, so choose wisely what you believe they can best contribute to.
Would Dad be more comfortable with setting up drinking from quaich, Mum walk you down the aisle, Stepmom doing a reading, Stepdad handing over the rings - really the choice and creativity is yours to have here
Our family split means there are effectively three sides… But only two sides in the room to sit on! How do we arrange seating to keep it conflict-free?
Why not have two aisles? My husband and I had our Mums walking us down the aisle simultaneously, but I’ve had the Groom walking in with his Mum and the Bride walking in with her Dad before - honestly, you don’t need to be traditional :)
Alternatively, you can allocate seats for the first few rows so that you know they won’t cause issues
My dad will be attending the wedding but I don’t want him to walk me down the aisle. How do I break it to him, and who should I choose instead? Or could I walk alone?
I think what you need to do first is make a decision about how the processional entrance will look like and who, if anyone at all will be walking with you down the aisle
Then, when you’ve made that choice, explain your motivations behind this choice to your Dad
Over the years, I’ve had Grooms awaiting their Brides at the bottom of the aisle to walk in together, I’ve had Brides walking down alone with an entourage ahead of them, and I’ve also had both parents walking the Bride or the couple’s children walking with their Mum - don’t feel pressured into this decision as it is an emotional element of the ceremony and you want to feel like you’re getting the right support for you
I was dreading the seating plan, Oskar stepped in and spent an afternoon with is till it was done, going over and above as we’d only asked him to do on the day co-ordination. - Katy & Allan, February 2022
💌
He was with us every step of the way, through all the crazy changing restrictions and even a last-minute 'lift and shift' of more than a week! - Donna and Mark, December 2020
💌
I found Oskar quite close to our wedding date, My only wish is that I found him sooner to help me plan more of the wedding - Lucy & Aresh, April 2022
💌
We miss chatting to Oskar, he was and is a ray of sunshine ☀️ - Louisa & Bradley, March 2022
💌
I was dreading the seating plan, Oskar stepped in and spent an afternoon with is till it was done, going over and above as we’d only asked him to do on the day co-ordination. - Katy & Allan, February 2022 💌 He was with us every step of the way, through all the crazy changing restrictions and even a last-minute 'lift and shift' of more than a week! - Donna and Mark, December 2020 💌 I found Oskar quite close to our wedding date, My only wish is that I found him sooner to help me plan more of the wedding - Lucy & Aresh, April 2022 💌 We miss chatting to Oskar, he was and is a ray of sunshine ☀️ - Louisa & Bradley, March 2022 💌
5. Photographs – how best can we keep things under control during the formal photos whilst still getting the family shots I’ve dreamed of?
Do your homework and prepare a detailed shoot list and allocate responsible people to help you organise them on the day - remember, this is not the photographer’s job as they will not know your family and the politics!
If you want to keep conflicting families separated - choose different locations for each group you want photos taken with
He was with us every step of the way, through all the crazy changing restrictions and even a last-minute 'lift and shift' of more than a week! - Donna and Mark, December 2020
💌
I found Oskar quite close to our wedding date, My only wish is that I found him sooner to help me plan more of the wedding - Lucy & Aresh, April 2022
💌
We miss chatting to Oskar, he was and is a ray of sunshine ☀️ - Louisa & Bradley, March 2022
💌
I was dreading the seating plan, Oskar stepped in and spent an afternoon with is till it was done, going over and above as we’d only asked him to do on the day co-ordination. - Katy & Allan, February 2022
💌
He was with us every step of the way, through all the crazy changing restrictions and even a last-minute 'lift and shift' of more than a week! - Donna and Mark, December 2020 💌 I found Oskar quite close to our wedding date, My only wish is that I found him sooner to help me plan more of the wedding - Lucy & Aresh, April 2022 💌 We miss chatting to Oskar, he was and is a ray of sunshine ☀️ - Louisa & Bradley, March 2022 💌 I was dreading the seating plan, Oskar stepped in and spent an afternoon with is till it was done, going over and above as we’d only asked him to do on the day co-ordination. - Katy & Allan, February 2022 💌
6. Table plans – how do I make it work?!
Not just the issue of mum and dad potentially both being on the top table, what about their partners?
Having them host tables at the front of the top table can be fun especially if they all get on
If there is a clear conflict - you might want to ask both sides about their expectations and how your plan would make them feel - it’s all about compromise here
What if one has a partner and the other doesn’t?
Consult the other side on how the seating of the partner would make them feel
Having them at opposite ends of the table could also be a solution
And what about family members invested in this conflict – how can I keep the regular tables fight-free?
This comes down to the art of arranging the tables in your room
It will take quite a bit of moving and shaking things up to ensure it works and while you’re keeping the wedding war-zone-free, you’re not upsetting anyone by putting them in the back end corner
Do it visually - ask venue for a sample table plan, use colour coded post-it tabs and group guests by colours and then start placing tabs around the tables on the sample floor plan to see how it flows - having it visually in front of you, can make it a lot easier - do you remember Monica’s flags table plan from Friends? This is a simplified version :)
I found Oskar quite close to our wedding date, My only wish is that I found him sooner to help me plan more of the wedding - Lucy & Aresh, April 2022
💌
We miss chatting to Oskar, he was and is a ray of sunshine ☀️ - Louisa & Bradley, March 2022
💌
I was dreading the seating plan, Oskar stepped in and spent an afternoon with is till it was done, going over and above as we’d only asked him to do on the day co-ordination. - Katy & Allan, February 2022
💌
He was with us every step of the way, through all the crazy changing restrictions and even a last-minute 'lift and shift' of more than a week! - Donna and Mark, December 2020
💌
I found Oskar quite close to our wedding date, My only wish is that I found him sooner to help me plan more of the wedding - Lucy & Aresh, April 2022 💌 We miss chatting to Oskar, he was and is a ray of sunshine ☀️ - Louisa & Bradley, March 2022 💌 I was dreading the seating plan, Oskar stepped in and spent an afternoon with is till it was done, going over and above as we’d only asked him to do on the day co-ordination. - Katy & Allan, February 2022 💌 He was with us every step of the way, through all the crazy changing restrictions and even a last-minute 'lift and shift' of more than a week! - Donna and Mark, December 2020 💌
7. Speeches with split families – what’s the etiquette and to what extent does it depend on my personal preference? Is it more important to go with what I want – or to not offend those who are potentially funding the wedding?
If you’ve got certain family members involved in financing the wedding, be conscious and mindful of their involvement, you don’t want to upset them
Traditionally, it’s three speeches of up to 8 minutes each - Father of Bride, Groom, Best Man
Speaking from experience - the fewer speeches, the better - so that’s something that might help you in justifying your decision, you do not want your speeches to go on for longer than 30 minutes in total
Some people are more comfortable with public speaking, so there’s no point in forcing your shy Dad to do a speech just because. Your Dad might be more comfortable with walking you down the aisle and Stepdad with a speech
Alternatively, if the parents’ situation is too complicated - why not ask your sibling to do ‘the family’ part?
We miss chatting to Oskar, he was and is a ray of sunshine ☀️ - Louisa & Bradley, March 2022
💌
I was dreading the seating plan, Oskar stepped in and spent an afternoon with is till it was done, going over and above as we’d only asked him to do on the day co-ordination. - Katy & Allan, February 2022
💌
He was with us every step of the way, through all the crazy changing restrictions and even a last-minute 'lift and shift' of more than a week! - Donna and Mark, December 2020
💌
I found Oskar quite close to our wedding date, My only wish is that I found him sooner to help me plan more of the wedding - Lucy & Aresh, April 2022
💌
We miss chatting to Oskar, he was and is a ray of sunshine ☀️ - Louisa & Bradley, March 2022 💌 I was dreading the seating plan, Oskar stepped in and spent an afternoon with is till it was done, going over and above as we’d only asked him to do on the day co-ordination. - Katy & Allan, February 2022 💌 He was with us every step of the way, through all the crazy changing restrictions and even a last-minute 'lift and shift' of more than a week! - Donna and Mark, December 2020 💌 I found Oskar quite close to our wedding date, My only wish is that I found him sooner to help me plan more of the wedding - Lucy & Aresh, April 2022 💌
8. Any words of wisdom and advice that I can give to my warring family members as a ‘gentle warning’ to behave themselves ahead of the big day? Or should I be laying the law more seriously?
If you strongly foresee things easily getting out of hand at the wedding, you might want to consider hiring security to help you handle the situation and make your family aware of it
If taking such serious measures isn’t on the cards - ensure to allocate ‘conflict mediators’ in advance so that you’re not being pulled into uncomfortable situations on your wedding day
I was dreading the seating plan, Oskar stepped in and spent an afternoon with is till it was done, going over and above as we’d only asked him to do on the day co-ordination. - Katy & Allan, February 2022
💌
He was with us every step of the way, through all the crazy changing restrictions and even a last-minute 'lift and shift' of more than a week! - Donna and Mark, December 2020
💌
I found Oskar quite close to our wedding date, My only wish is that I found him sooner to help me plan more of the wedding - Lucy & Aresh, April 2022
💌
We miss chatting to Oskar, he was and is a ray of sunshine ☀️ - Louisa & Bradley, March 2022
💌
I was dreading the seating plan, Oskar stepped in and spent an afternoon with is till it was done, going over and above as we’d only asked him to do on the day co-ordination. - Katy & Allan, February 2022 💌 He was with us every step of the way, through all the crazy changing restrictions and even a last-minute 'lift and shift' of more than a week! - Donna and Mark, December 2020 💌 I found Oskar quite close to our wedding date, My only wish is that I found him sooner to help me plan more of the wedding - Lucy & Aresh, April 2022 💌 We miss chatting to Oskar, he was and is a ray of sunshine ☀️ - Louisa & Bradley, March 2022 💌
9. What about me – any advice on staying calm when I’m conscious that World War 3 could break out at any minute?
The more planning, open and honest conversations and precautionary measures you can put in place in advance of the wedding the better
Having a solid plan will make you feel more prepared and aware, and therefore worry and stress about it all less
He was with us every step of the way, through all the crazy changing restrictions and even a last-minute 'lift and shift' of more than a week! - Donna and Mark, December 2020
💌
I found Oskar quite close to our wedding date, My only wish is that I found him sooner to help me plan more of the wedding - Lucy & Aresh, April 2022
💌
We miss chatting to Oskar, he was and is a ray of sunshine ☀️ - Louisa & Bradley, March 2022
💌
I was dreading the seating plan, Oskar stepped in and spent an afternoon with is till it was done, going over and above as we’d only asked him to do on the day co-ordination. - Katy & Allan, February 2022
💌
He was with us every step of the way, through all the crazy changing restrictions and even a last-minute 'lift and shift' of more than a week! - Donna and Mark, December 2020 💌 I found Oskar quite close to our wedding date, My only wish is that I found him sooner to help me plan more of the wedding - Lucy & Aresh, April 2022 💌 We miss chatting to Oskar, he was and is a ray of sunshine ☀️ - Louisa & Bradley, March 2022 💌 I was dreading the seating plan, Oskar stepped in and spent an afternoon with is till it was done, going over and above as we’d only asked him to do on the day co-ordination. - Katy & Allan, February 2022 💌
10. How to communicate a children-free wedding?
Let your guests know from the get-go – on your Save the Dates so that your guests can make arrangements
Be clear and consistent if only family children are coming
Explain budget or space limitations
If for any reason you receive an RSVP with children on it, don’t react on emotion, relax and phone them, over the phone conversations will deflate the emotions
